I get a lot of questions about if a parent should let their child know that their loved one has a terminal illness and may pass away. Whether that is a close family member, relative or friend. Parents very often avoid talking about illness and death to their children. Especially when they have to break the news about their own family member.
I know that for many parents this seems to be the right thing to do, and it feels like the best possible option that you have, but is it? Do you think that it is alright to keep from a child that a parent, grandparent, sister or family friend is ill?
The Importance of Breaking Difficult News to Children
I agree that you shouldn’t just break the news to a child carelessly before you think through each and every step you are going to take through this tough journey, but you should let them know - it is their right to know, they have the right to say goodbye, they have the right to choose what they are going to do with the time they have left with their loved one.
When you leave a child uninformed, your child is going to create many other scenarios and those scenarios can be much worse than the knowledge of the terrifying truth. Not to mention all the anger, sadness, if they don’t get to say to that person what’s on their fragile little hearts. As a parent or a caregiver, you are the best person to assess the situation and figure out when is the right time to tell the heartbreaking news to your children, and no one else can know better than you, but as such you have no right to keep that information away from them, they deserve to know the truth.
Parents usually think, how can I do that, how can I tell them the truth without hurting them. But I am really sorry to be the one to break the bad news to you, you will hurt them, they are going to be devastated, but it’s going to happen either way.
Helping Them Understand
If you tell them along the way, bit by bit, as the illness progresses - you are going to help them understand what's going on. You will be there for them, sharing the sorrow. You can introduce them to the situation when they ask their first questions, which are often, “Why are you sad?", or “ Are you alright?”. The way you are going to introduce them to the concept of terminal illness and expected consequences will also depend on the child’s age and your own beliefs. You can start by telling them simple things, how the healthy body works, and ultimately how and why the body stops working, so they grasp the concept of the permanence of death. You should encourage them to ask questions, repeat the answers to them, as much as they need to understand, share the pain with them, not telling them will have far worse consequences.
Give them information slowly, one step at a time.
Do not use euphemisms, like "Nana is going to heaven up there."; or "She is going to have a long sleep."; because you don’t want them to think that if they go to sleep, they might not wake up, or they might think she is going to wake up. Children are very literal.
"Talk as it is, focus on simpler words, those that your child can understand."
Show them that you are sad, they need to know that it’s alright to show how they feel. You don't want them to box up all those emotions, you need them to understand that it's ok to express how they feel. Cry if you feel so, just be there for them. Explain to your children that this is not their fault and they haven't done anything to cause that. Do not give them false hopes and do not promise anything you cannot keep. I know It’s hard, I know it’s devastating, but it is the right thing to do.
